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Letter 30 - To Father Chevallier
Jesus, Mary Joseph
Seminary of the Foreign Missions, 30 November 1846
My dear Father in Jesus-Christ,
It is with you that I should have shared my present state of mind — you who have always taken a great interest in all that pertains to me, and who, before our separating, requested that I keep you informed about me. If I have delayed up to the present time, rest assured that it was only to be able to provide you with more definitive details concerning my new status. As you had already warned me, the battle has notended. I had to fight more strongly than ever my enemies from within and from without. But with the grace of God and of our Good Mother, up to now I have remained master of the terrain; to them alone, then, glory and honor. I believed that, having arrived at this holy house — goal of all my desires — I would have realized all my hopes. Not at all: the first days, a deadly unease took hold of me. Before long, this passed and Iconsidered myself well-settled here when a raging temptation of indecision took hold ofmy soul. Now and again, an aversion, a disgust for our missions, was growing in my soul,such that the world presented itself to me under unaccustomed colors. And I saw nowhere to do good except in my country. This illusion, however, lasted very briefly; then I had a well-founded taste sometimes for a religious congregation, sometimes for going to the missions of America. I believed that I could do more good there than in our own missions, forgetting that one does good only where Divine Providence calls us. This state of affairs lasted two weeks. I prayed, but prayer began to disgust me, seeing that it did not bring about the peace so desired. Finally, God took pity on His poor servant, and now, he considers himself the happiest of men. The sole thought that now bothers me is that I don’t know how to thank God enough for all the graces that He has given me.
And you, my dear Father in Our Lord: how to thank you also because it is through you that God has filled me with all the graces I have received. What would I have become without you? A poor unhappy soul living a miserable life far from his God. So, thank you; a thousand thanks for all you have done for me. It was especially in the first moments spent here that I realized the wisdom of your action in not listening right away to my first wishes; if you had listened to them, what would I have become? My less than firm will would have broken down and I would have found myself obliged to leave this holy house and to see all my future lost. Quite often, the thought of returning to my diocese came to me. But the memory of the trials that you had me undergo, soon reminded me that I should have morecertitude about my vocation. My family also made a few renewed attempts to hold me back; one of my aunts had written to Father Superior to this effect. She came across very badly, the poor soul, because Father does not allow himself to be easily swayed by similar letters. So often does he receive letters of this kind that he can only laugh at them. For the time being, I am left undisturbed. Would to God that the affair end in this way.I still don’t know what my destination will be. Will it be India or China? I am totally indifferent on the matter. Undoubtedly China would agree more with my desires. Then I would be allowed to hope that one day perhaps I would be able to cleanse my old and repeated stains by shedding a few drops of my blood. I very much want to make this small sacrifice for my God, in order to prove somewhat that I love Him. But, no.Martyrdom is reserved for those who have always responded to the graces of God. As for me, O Jesus, King of my heart, do bring about that I will always be subject to your holy will, that I will always love You; don’t spare me from suffering. I don’t think that it’s my fate to remain here for a long time. In a year, I hope to be already at my destination. From another point of view, I would rather delay announcing the good news to these poor idolaters; on the other hand, I feel too weak to withstand the pressure of the apostolate. But I hope in God and in the Queen of the Apostles. Yes, I will pray to them unceasingly.
I pray you also, my dear Father in Jesus-Christ, to ask in your fine prayers for this grace in favor of him who does not forget you in his own. I have another favor to ask of you; don’t refuse it to me. It’s that I receive a small word of encouragement from you. Oh! How happy you will make me! Yes, I await this consolation with the strongest hope. Once more, I dare make a final request: in favor of my dear colleagues. Ah! My dear Father in Jesus-Christ, pray to heaven that it give to all of them the strength and courage of apostles, that no danger will hold us back when it is a matter of saving our brothers. Pray also for the unfortunate peoples whom we are called to convert. Oh! Theharvest is very great and the laborers too few. Yes, every day the range of the mission of our house increases. Now Japan is demanding its martyrs; Korea is requesting more. Everywhere, persecution; nonetheless, long live persecution! The Nicobar Islands are also waiting for men who know how to die to themselves by giving life to their brothers. The gates of Tibet 1 will soon be shattered, and India has just seen theestablishment of a new apostolic vicariate. Oh my God, how good You are in giving us so much work; at least, we will not have time to offend You. Faith spreads out on all sides, but there is a lack of laborers. We are completelyfilled up here, that is to say, forty-three. But there is a need for men to replace those leaving [for the missions - Trans.]. May Divine Providence rouse vocations! Yes, it will rouse some. If it wishes to bring about great things, it will also take the proper steps, because it has the power to do so. Let us pray to heaven, however, that it cast always a favorable eye upon us. Yes, my dear Father in Jesus-Christ, once more pray for us; after we have poured the salutary water on the forehead of some infidels, be assured that the first duty we will require of them will be to pray for those who were concerned about them. Could prayer emanating from such a pure heart be without effect with the Father of mercies? Forgive me, I beg you, for this digression; my fervor — not well controlled — has perhaps led me too far afield. May your charity, which is well-known to me, give me the hope of forgiveness. Now, there is nothing left for me to do other than to beg you to accept the expressions of affection and respect from your most devoted and grateful son in Jesus-Christ,Ch.
A. Schoeffler, deacon-candidate for the missions
It is with you that I should have shared my present state of mind — you who have always taken a great interest in all that pertains to me, and who, before our separating, requested that I keep you informed about me. If I have delayed up to the present time, rest assured that it was only to be able to provide you with more definitive details concerning my new status. As you had already warned me, the battle has notended. I had to fight more strongly than ever my enemies from within and from without. But with the grace of God and of our Good Mother, up to now I have remained master of the terrain; to them alone, then, glory and honor. I believed that, having arrived at this holy house — goal of all my desires — I would have realized all my hopes. Not at all: the first days, a deadly unease took hold of me. Before long, this passed and Iconsidered myself well-settled here when a raging temptation of indecision took hold ofmy soul. Now and again, an aversion, a disgust for our missions, was growing in my soul,such that the world presented itself to me under unaccustomed colors. And I saw nowhere to do good except in my country. This illusion, however, lasted very briefly; then I had a well-founded taste sometimes for a religious congregation, sometimes for going to the missions of America. I believed that I could do more good there than in our own missions, forgetting that one does good only where Divine Providence calls us. This state of affairs lasted two weeks. I prayed, but prayer began to disgust me, seeing that it did not bring about the peace so desired. Finally, God took pity on His poor servant, and now, he considers himself the happiest of men. The sole thought that now bothers me is that I don’t know how to thank God enough for all the graces that He has given me.
And you, my dear Father in Our Lord: how to thank you also because it is through you that God has filled me with all the graces I have received. What would I have become without you? A poor unhappy soul living a miserable life far from his God. So, thank you; a thousand thanks for all you have done for me. It was especially in the first moments spent here that I realized the wisdom of your action in not listening right away to my first wishes; if you had listened to them, what would I have become? My less than firm will would have broken down and I would have found myself obliged to leave this holy house and to see all my future lost. Quite often, the thought of returning to my diocese came to me. But the memory of the trials that you had me undergo, soon reminded me that I should have morecertitude about my vocation. My family also made a few renewed attempts to hold me back; one of my aunts had written to Father Superior to this effect. She came across very badly, the poor soul, because Father does not allow himself to be easily swayed by similar letters. So often does he receive letters of this kind that he can only laugh at them. For the time being, I am left undisturbed. Would to God that the affair end in this way.I still don’t know what my destination will be. Will it be India or China? I am totally indifferent on the matter. Undoubtedly China would agree more with my desires. Then I would be allowed to hope that one day perhaps I would be able to cleanse my old and repeated stains by shedding a few drops of my blood. I very much want to make this small sacrifice for my God, in order to prove somewhat that I love Him. But, no.Martyrdom is reserved for those who have always responded to the graces of God. As for me, O Jesus, King of my heart, do bring about that I will always be subject to your holy will, that I will always love You; don’t spare me from suffering. I don’t think that it’s my fate to remain here for a long time. In a year, I hope to be already at my destination. From another point of view, I would rather delay announcing the good news to these poor idolaters; on the other hand, I feel too weak to withstand the pressure of the apostolate. But I hope in God and in the Queen of the Apostles. Yes, I will pray to them unceasingly.
I pray you also, my dear Father in Jesus-Christ, to ask in your fine prayers for this grace in favor of him who does not forget you in his own. I have another favor to ask of you; don’t refuse it to me. It’s that I receive a small word of encouragement from you. Oh! How happy you will make me! Yes, I await this consolation with the strongest hope. Once more, I dare make a final request: in favor of my dear colleagues. Ah! My dear Father in Jesus-Christ, pray to heaven that it give to all of them the strength and courage of apostles, that no danger will hold us back when it is a matter of saving our brothers. Pray also for the unfortunate peoples whom we are called to convert. Oh! Theharvest is very great and the laborers too few. Yes, every day the range of the mission of our house increases. Now Japan is demanding its martyrs; Korea is requesting more. Everywhere, persecution; nonetheless, long live persecution! The Nicobar Islands are also waiting for men who know how to die to themselves by giving life to their brothers. The gates of Tibet 1 will soon be shattered, and India has just seen theestablishment of a new apostolic vicariate. Oh my God, how good You are in giving us so much work; at least, we will not have time to offend You. Faith spreads out on all sides, but there is a lack of laborers. We are completelyfilled up here, that is to say, forty-three. But there is a need for men to replace those leaving [for the missions - Trans.]. May Divine Providence rouse vocations! Yes, it will rouse some. If it wishes to bring about great things, it will also take the proper steps, because it has the power to do so. Let us pray to heaven, however, that it cast always a favorable eye upon us. Yes, my dear Father in Jesus-Christ, once more pray for us; after we have poured the salutary water on the forehead of some infidels, be assured that the first duty we will require of them will be to pray for those who were concerned about them. Could prayer emanating from such a pure heart be without effect with the Father of mercies? Forgive me, I beg you, for this digression; my fervor — not well controlled — has perhaps led me too far afield. May your charity, which is well-known to me, give me the hope of forgiveness. Now, there is nothing left for me to do other than to beg you to accept the expressions of affection and respect from your most devoted and grateful son in Jesus-Christ,Ch.
A. Schoeffler, deacon-candidate for the missions
1 Notably, by his friend, Father Nicolas Kirk. See Letter 65, footnote 17, p. 201; and Appendix E, p. 335 seq.
